George Orwell, 1984 (via larmoyante)
Hiring manager: what other talents do you possess which may allow you to succeed at our company?
Me: I masturbate like at least five times a day, and I can keep a boner even after I cum
Hiring manager: Jesus Christ I'm firing myself you're the new manager
If you ever think you did something embarrassing just remember that I had a really hot waiter one time and i was gonna order double pepperoni pizza but I looked him dead in the eye and accidentally asked for double penetration pizza in front of my whole family
Stop reblogging my failure